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Erika Ettin: What came first, the chicken or the second date?

I was answering Zoom calls with a client this morning. We talked about his Hinge and Bumble profiles over the phone in the first session, then made comments on how to get more replies from potential



Just this morning, I was conducting a coaching session via Zoom with a client (it was our third of three). We started by reviewing his Hinge and Bumble profiles and making sure he was presenting himself in the best light possible. Getting people to respond to your messages was the topic of our second meeting. Then this morning, we discussed a few of his recent dates… the sum total was substantial. (Rock star patron!)

It was a Friday date, he said, and he told me all about it. It went swimmingly, and they had dinner and drinks (despite my usual piece of advice, “You can always add dinner, but you can’t take it back”). They talked about going on another date while they were out, and later that night, she sent him a text message to let him know she had returned home safely. A second date seems inevitable at this point. Wrong.

When I inquired about a second date three days after this one, he responded, “I don’t know if it’ll happen.” I exerted moderate pressure. Why? What steps could you take to put a second date on the calendar if the first one went well and you both expressed interest in doing it?

Well, she texted me a lot more before the first date than after, so maybe she’s just not that into me,” he continued. How often have you texted her since your first date? Not a single person spoke up during that one. So, no. I told her that she was probably confused by him for the same reasons that I was.

He expects her to indicate interest in resuming their relationship in some way. And I’m sure she’s just waiting for him to make good on his promise to ask her out again and set a firm date. Those who wait around for the other one are wasting a second date opportunity.

I informed him that it is customary for the man to initiate follow-up contact in heterosexual relationships and that women prefer it when men do so in mixed-gender pairings. Yes, I am a feminist and an egalitarian, but I also value chivalry and do not see the two as incompatible ideals. After the date ended and he stopped texting her, she assumed he was no longer interested. Why not just ask, “When are you free to go out again? “? I questioned. And he said in response that he didn’t want to be rejected because she didn’t seem to care about him anymore. A muddled sense of disorientation set in. The two had a wonderful time together, and she later reported that via text message. and he has the nerve to assume that she is no longer interested.

He could only find out by inquiring, I told him. If she were to say no, he wouldn’t be any worse off than he already is. He would have made an effort, at the very least.

Let’s not engage in the pointless “will they or won’t they?” dance after our dates. You should tell someone you want to see them again if you feel that way. Waiting around for the other person to make the first move could mean missing out on a great opportunity because of a story you’ve made up in your head that’s not likely to be true.

The woman in this situation, who has already indicated an interest in going on a second date, is particularly perplexed by the man’s apparent indecision. A woman who finds herself in this situation and who wants to reach out to the man should tell him, “I can’t tell from our texts if you were interested in going out again.” To say the least, it’s not ambiguous. Because it tells it like it is. Then, finally, you hear back.

Get a second date on the calendar if you want to go on one. If you don’t, it’s polite to say as much to the other person. We’re overcomplicating things, when in reality they couldn’t be easier.

In that case, let’s see: the second date or the chicken?